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Wow, winter has certainly found its way into the Midwest. The high today is only 16 and right now it looks as if the snow on the ground will never melt. Of course we know it will eventually, but right now it seems as though that snow has something to prove.
Recently, I went to a retreat. During the retreat someone giving a talk said, “God is closest when you quit trying to prove yourself.” That quote hit me square between the eyes. I wrote it down and really have been reflecting on it from all angles since.
Proving myself has become something I feel I have to do since October of 2020. That is when I got my diagnosis of MS and it’s when the proving started. I have felt like I have to prove to family and friends that I am fine and can do everything I used to do and sometimes more. But that’s not the reality..
This was a hard realization for me and something I still struggle with. There are times my wife is just trying to make my life easier, and I bite her head off because I don’t need that. I can take care of whatever I want. Proving I can do it is a tightrope I walk every day.
The good side is that this proving of myself does keep me motivated. It causes me to keep moving forward even when I don’t feel like it. That resilience is good, but that is different from the stubborn attitude that puffs my chest out and basically lets people know I can do everything on my own.
The simple fact is there are things that involve strenuous activity or long walking that I could do before that, even if I can still do them, aren’t good for me. They cause pain, fatigue, and other consequences that are detrimental for me. So why do I do those things which I know will be bad for me?
That quote that sent me on this reflection tailspin was about God. As I thought about proving myself to those in relationship with me, I realized God had put those people in my life for a reason. He would be growing closer to me through those He put in my life if I just let Him.
As I was hit with this reality, I was also hit with the realization I do the same thing in my spiritual life. What’s funny is it really doesn’t have to do with MS, as I know I need God’s help with MS. Rather, with God, the “proving it” comes with every other portion of my life.
Too often I am trying to prove to God that I’ve got this. I’m not saying this is a conscious thing going on. I don’t think any of us are bold enough to lean back in our chair, look up at the heavens and say, “I can do this, God; just back off and watch.” Most God-fearing individuals would think that is crazy, but that is exactly what we do without the words.
We act as if we have everything together, proving to the world and God that we can handle whatever comes our way. Stress, anxiety, illness, loss…whatever it might be, we try to prove to everyone, including God and ourselves, that we’ve got this.
God designed us to be dependent on Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways submit to Him. He even demonstrated this through Jesus. When He was a human being He said to His disciples: Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by Himself; He can do only what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.'” – John 5:19 (NIV).
If anyone could have proved His worth, that He could do it on His own or that He’s got this, it was Jesus. Yet, He was humble enough to model exactly what we should do, which is to rely on God. He knew we couldn’t do things effectively on our own.
I know this is something that will continue to challenge me, both with the people around me and with my Lord. But I’m so glad that the Lord convicted me with the words…. I know now that I need to work on this and plan to do so. I hope if this has caused you pause, you will join me in the journey. Until next month…
